Date Safe Project: Alcohol & Intimacy
The New Rules Every Working Girl Should Know
International jet-setting, champagne-fuelled parties in penthouses and multi-million dollar trust funds. When it comes to guilty-pleasure TV, Gossip Girl certainly delivers its fair share of far-fetched storylines. Yet despite the show’s glossy veneer, writers have been quick to take on several weighty subjects, including that of date rape. An unlikely forum for such a hard-hitting subject for sure, but Gossip Girl’s portrayal handled an issue that’s often mired in cliché and myth, and highlighted the reality of a cold, hard statistic: according to RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) 73% of rape victims know their assailant.
Fact not fiction, whether you are an average Annie or Park Avenue princess, date rape can affect us all, in college or out in the workplace. With 33% of rapes occurring between 6am and 6pm, young working women are certainly not spared from risk. Just this April national newspapers reported on the story of Olympic ice dancing champion Pasha Grishuk, who during a business meeting at an Orange County, California hotel was drugged with the well-known date rape drug GHB.
So what is date rape, or acquaintance rape as it is more commonly referred to today? Should we all be carrying date rape drug testers to happy hour to protect ourselves? According to Mike Domitrz, founder of the Date Safe Project and author of Can I Kiss You?, a guide to dating, the media coverage surrounding Grishuk’s case is precisely what prevents women from gaining real world tools to protect themselves. In his opinion “society doesn’t talk about how women can really empower themselves, instead we dwell on fear and reaction, almost to the point that a woman can be seen as to blame for ending up in a bad situation.”
Date rape was first discussed in the 1980′s following the publication of shocking research by Professor Mary Koss of Kent State University. Her findings showed that as many as one in four of her college-aged interviewees had been victims of sexual assault, many of them even perceiving the incident as the result of miscommunication rather than a crime. “Acquaintance rape is often misconceived as being inextricably related to date rape drugs,” says Domitrz. “But this ignores the fact that sexual coercion is a complex subject that is difficult to categorize. It can occur between all types of acquaintances, not just dating couples.” And though date rape drugs have been used to facilitate rape, sometimes with tragic consequences, it is in fact alcohol, he argues, that is the most commonplace and overlooked substance used in sexual coercion.
By understanding the real scenarios in which acquaintance rape occurs, women can be better educated, and empowered to report rape. The good news? Many states are working to further codify their legal definition of sexual consent. In April of this year Maryland joined states with more stringent rape laws by reversing legislation that didn’t recognize a woman’s right to change her mind, even several seconds after consenting. Meanwhile, for Domitrz, who became an advocate for victims of sexual assault following the rape of his sister, he argues that women can continue to protect themselves by speaking out, taking control and being empowered to say how far they want an intimate situation to go.
The Date Safe Project Rules: Three Easy Pieces
1. Be Educated
Be aware of date rape drugs, but also know how to stand up for yourself with straightforward communication. By being open, demanding respect and making your expectations clear you can create the boundaries you need to feel safe. Speak up, set expectations and don’t wait until someone makes a move that you’ll regret.
2. Be Prepared
If you’re planning to socialize with friends from work, set up a buddy system just as you may have done with friends at school. Whether the network consists of just one friend or several, pledge to look out for each other. If you go out together go home together. Know whom to call in the event of any emergency. An organization like RAINN should be your first place to turn, they can put you in immediate contact with local help.
3. Take on a New Attitude
Never feel scared or shy to intervene if you believe a friend is too drunk to be making decisions about going home with someone from a bar or party. You wouldn’t let a friend drink and drive, so don’t be afraid to intervene when it comes to intimacy. And when it comes to your own dating life, don’t be scared to break with old gender roles on a date. Go Dutch, drive yourself to the date and you’ll save yourself from any possible awkward expectations.
For more information visit www.datesafeproject.org or call The National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-HOPE.
