I’m praying my parents never read this article, because they’d never let me live down what I’m about to say:

I’m so grateful that they pushed me towards a more general education, because I would’ve truly regretted it if I had gone the conservatory route.

Why? Because ultimately, even though it took me 30 years to figure it out, I was in the wrong profession all along. I wasn’t an actress. I was a writer. And my college education and credentials allowed me to switch career gears on a lark, and pursue journalism and writing. I became the Editor-in-Chief of a widely distributed local magazine, simply due to a contact I’d made—where else?—at my university. This led to my realization that I enjoyed my new industry far more than my old one, and I haven’t looked back since.

Okay, that’s a bit of a lie. I have looked back. Because while I don’t regret my education (and again I’ll say it: thank you, Mom and Dad), I do regret wasting so much time pursuing the wrong profession.

If I allow myself to dwell on these things, I’m haunted by “what ifs”. What if I’d stayed on the school paper rather than dropping it for drama club? What if I’d attended Northwestern’s prestigious journalism school, rather than its theater program? Where would I be? Would I have already published several books, rather than plodding away at my first nonfiction endeavor? Would I have a byline in a major magazine, or be a household name?

That’s when I remind myself that those first 30 years were about finding myself. I got to see the world, meet tons of colorful people, and learn a heck of a lot about psychology (I’m telling you, acting training is far more conducive to understanding the human psyche than any formal training in therapy). More importantly, though, I explored that side of myself; I guarantee that if I hadn’t, that if I had gone down that road not taken and stayed on my high school paper, I probably would be writing about unrequited dreams of Broadway stages and feature film roles.

If my friends are any indication, I’m not alone in thinking about the “what ifs”. We’re all in our early 30’s, and for some reason, this seems to be an age of reflection—we have enough distance from our early 20’s to look back objectively, but we’re not at that mid-life point yet where our options seem to be dwindling. It’s almost as if we’re subconsciously dwelling on the coulda been’s in order to navigate our future choices more successfully. But that doesn’t make it any easier to handle the embarrassment, guilt, sadness and frustration that go hand in hand with certain types of regret.

Gen Y women raised with more choices, expectations and opportunities
On the surface, you’d think Generation Y would be immune to this emotion—especially as we had opportunities our grandmothers wouldn’t have dreamed possible. We were told we could be anything and do anything; most of us had the opportunity to go to college, if not grad school; we tend to marry later, thus protecting us from getting “tied down” into a certain kind of life too soon.

According to The Center for Creative Counseling, a therapy practice out of New Jersey, these actually might be the very reasons regret runs so rampant in Gen Y women. On their website, they attribute the “epidemic” nature of what-ifs in our generation to a number of societal factors—we have too many choices, too few rules, and a desire to be too self-sufficient. We also constantly compare ourselves to other people, which leads to what I like to call “grass is always greener syndrome”. This all contributes to a society where there are “many more opportunities to regret the paths we didn’t take.”

Haunted by the Ghosts of Choices Past
Add our struggling economy, poor employment outlook, and dismal real estate market to the mix, and you can see why we’d be over-thinking our choices as both a society and as individuals. Especially when it comes to work, education, and money, young women are constantly forced to make peace with their past decisions—because we are certainly being haunted by the Ghosts of Choices Past on a daily basis. Dr. Mary Gresham, PhD, an Atlanta-based psychologist, explains that “As I have encountered regret in young women, much of it has to do with accruing debt and now finding that the debt is keeping their current lives more restricted than they want it to . . . Other regrets that are typical for the late 20’s and early 30’s women have to do with actions that are affecting them now, such as majoring in an area with few job prospects or staying too long in a bad relationship.” After discussing this issue with a variety of Gen Y women, I think I can safely say that Dr. Gresham is right on the money (no pun intended).

. . . and the real-life regrets:
“I regret putting such a large down payment on my condo,” laments Kat, 25. “I should have left that money in the bank. I also wish I’d have decided to rent for a year or so because the buyer’s market changed so drastically and I could have gotten more for my money if I had just waited.” Real estate depression hit Lila, 31, in another way, when she quit her fast-track job as a corporate lawyer to pursue commercial investment properties—right before the market collapsed. “I spent all this time getting my real estate license, interning at a big commercial real estate firm . . . basically, it took me two years to get to a point where I could really start my new career—and then, the you-know-what hit the fan in the industry. I couldn’t get a job anywhere worthwhile, and even when I thought I might go back to law, no firms were hiring. I felt like such a moron.”

For the thousands of young professionals currently scouring the want-ads, career regret goes all the way back to their undergraduate experiences. 31-year-old Juli told me that her biggest regret is choosing to major in religious studies. “I got a degree in something that couldn’t be used. So many people I know majored in things like religion, philosophy, etc, and now we’re stuck. We have no useful skills.” She brings up the fact that in our parent’s generation, most people had a “plan”—they intended on being doctors, lawyers, or tradesmen, and they pursued the proper training for these careers. Now that going to college seems more like an expectation than a privilege, we aren’t taking our undergraduate education as seriously—or, even if we do take it seriously, we come out seriously ill-prepared for reality. Says Dr. Gresham, “We have to make decisions before we know anything. You have to attend law school and pass the bar before you can figure out what it is truly like to be a practicing attorney in a law firm. In terms of careers, we truly just make our best guess at the time.

Regrets can come because we were not able to guess accurately enough what we would need in terms of our work lives and it can become hard to make changes down the road . . . The truth is we have to make major life choices without knowing the outcome and we have to make these generally in our 20’s and 30’s.”

College Regrets
“When I graduated, I went to one of those career placement firms, and they had me take all these tests in typing and various computer programs,” Juli explains. “I hadn’t been trained in any of it, and I didn’t pass any of them. It made me wish I’d at least taken some practical courses along with my religious studies. You just don’t know the ramifications of picking a major until it’s too late.”

Many other women I spoke to echoed Juli’s sentiments, especially considering the cost of higher education in our country, the need for postgraduate degrees, and the low opportunity for adequate employment once we do graduate. But interestingly, even for those who have been successful in their chosen fields and found their college experience professionally rewarding, a lot of regret is centered on the coed years.

“I didn’t do more than one summer of a performing arts group in college because I felt I had to be responsible and take summer classes. I didn’t do study abroad because I felt I had to be responsible and work instead. I didn’t travel to Europe after graduation because I thought I should be responsible and get a real job right away instead. All my do-over wishes have to do with me regretting that I chose responsibility over experiences at a time in my life (my early 20’s) when it should have been the other way around,” says Ginger, a successful marketing executive in her early 30’s.

Helene, 28, also thinks her ambition and drive made her miss out on valuable experiences. “I never did much of anything fun in college. I worked three jobs, was a full time student, and I finished my astrophysics degree in 3.5 years. I really wish I had been able to enjoy my time some more and relax.”

The more women I interviewed about the issue of regret, the more I started to see a pattern: those who had success in their professional lives often regretted things having to do with their personal lives, and vice versa. It makes sense, if you think about it; Gen Y is still just starting out in the world, figuring out exactly what they want out of life. If you’re not completely satisfied with your life, it’s easy to dwell on what you could have done differently. But according to Neal Roese, PhD, author of If Only: How to Turn Regret Into Opportunity (Broadway, 2005), this is exactly where regret can be your best friend. “Regret . . . is useful for signaling to people that it’s time to change their strategy,” he tells writer David Dudley in an article for AARP Magazine. “If you’re ruminating daily on how things could have been better, that’s not good, but a sharp, rapid emotional response followed by a behavioral change, followed by the disappearance of the emotion—that’s perfectly good for us.” Translation? That twinge of regret might be the kick in the butt you need to make real, positive change in your life.

For many of us, regrets involve a specific attitude or behavior we possessed at one time, which may have caused us to make bad choices. Juli expressed annoyance at her younger self for being so self-conscious. “I guess I could be positive and say that all my choices led me to the life I live now—and I am genuinely happy in that life—but I was so insecure in my early twenties that I feel like I missed out on everything.” For those with body image issues, looking back at old photos can bring on big-time remorse. “I always hated my body in high school and college,” says Jessica, 27. “But when I see pictures of myself from those days, I wish I could go back and smack myself upside the head. I was so skinny! I would kill for that body now.”

Personal Regrets
For Megan and Joanne, both of whom are in their early 30’s, their biggest regrets are tied up with grief over losing a loved one—and wondering what they could have done differently. When Joanne was going through a rough time, her father offered to fly out and be with her. “I told him . . . not to bother. Not because I didn’t want to see him, but I was getting ready to try to go back to work . . . I didn’t want him to waste money on a last-minute ticket. I was also a bit worried about my dad traveling. He had had a heart attack the prior June and was still making sure he didn’t over-exhaust himself, though he was definitely feeling more like his old self. I didn’t tell him any of my worries; I just said I was about to return to work and that I’d feel bad with him sitting around my house all day by himself.”

Unfortunately, Joanne’s dad passed away unexpectedly, several months later. “In effect, I turned down the last opportunity to see my dad in his glorious, fun, hilarious, adventurous prime . . . People have told me to let go of this regret. That it wastes time and energy on something I cannot change and that my dad would hate for me to hang on to . . . yet it is easier said than done. What I learned through all of this is that I overvalued money. I missed over 10 years of Thanksgivings and Christmases with my parents because we decided to avoid the holiday hustle at the airport and expensive flights. I passed up my last chance to be with my dad because I didn’t want him to waste $800. He was willing and able; it was me that said no. There is no amount of money saved that makes up for the family moments missed.”

After the sudden death of her friend Carrie, Megan dwelled on how their friendship had dwindled in the months prior. Carrie had given birth to twins while Megan was dealing with her own fertility struggles; it was just too difficult for her to be around her friend once the babies were born. “I will always regret that I wasn’t big enough to put my pain aside and be a friend . . . I’ll never get the chance to be there for Carrie. So, the best I can do is to learn from my horrible mistake and to try and put my feelings aside and be there for the people who need me.”

Even the romantic choices you made in the past can inspire debilitating regret. I’d bet that most of us made at least one bad move in our history. For Beth, dating the wrong guy led to a pretty major road not taken: “I regret staying with my high school boyfriend long past the time that I should have just let that relationship go. He was horrible to me, but I continued to defend him to myself and my family and wasted another two years with him. I turned down a chance to go to Vanderbilt University because he convinced me to stay at a state school to be close to him. I really wish I had gone and learned to be my own person at that time.”

Andrea just had to stare her regret in the face—in a fuchsia bridesmaid dress, no less. Her story sounds like a hybrid of several chick flicks, but to Andrea, it’s all too real. “My best guy friend, Jack, was madly in love with me since the eighth grade. But I always thought I could do better. I wanted to date the popular jocky guys; Jack was that quintessential nice guy. I started realizing my feelings for him while we were in college, but by that point, he had a serious girlfriend; even worse, I really liked her, and we became good friends too. Last month, I was a bridesmaid at their wedding,” she says. “I almost pulled a Julia Roberts and told him when we were alone for a second at the rehearsal dinner, but I just couldn’t. He’s in love. He’s happy. I’m happy for him. But I’m alone, and haven’t ever had a really solid relationship, and I have to live with the fact that I may never find anyone as amazing as Jack. If I could just go back to eighth grade and show myself a photo from that wedding—me standing there in that awful dress, looking like a total loser with no date, and my eyes all puffy from crying the whole night before . . . but whatever. I probably wouldn’t listen to the loser 26-year-old version of me, anyway.”

It’s not always easy to make peace with our regrets, especially when we’re still waiting for our own happy ending. But by reflecting on our regrets in a healthy way, we may be able to secure a happier, healthier, more successful future. In an article for Positive Psychology News, Bridget Grenville-Cleave explains how when a research team interviewed successful professionals in leadership roles, they found that these people tended to “take risks, and to continue to learn throughout their lives, from failure and regret as well as from their acknowledged successes . . . All were also able to describe difficult events or experiences in the past which they regretted, and courses of action that they wished they could have changed. Referring to the birth of their disabled child, one said ‘Coming to terms with first few years was very challenging . . . but in retrospect it is the best work I have ever done.’ Another, referring to a romantic relationship which ended badly, said: ‘It was an awful experience, but I learned a lot. It drove me to do better.’”

Grenville-Cleave also cites research that “suggests several methods for preventing future regrets, among them approaching the decision mindfully, rethinking why the regretted action (or inaction) occurred, and starting with the assumption that one’s behavior made sense at the time given the circumstances.” Basically, if we can learn to accept our mistakes and examine them analytically, rather than dwelling on what could have been, we will begin to see what could be.

Generation Y is in a unique, and often challenging, position. We were raised with more choices, expectations and opportunities than any other generation, and yet we’re coming of age in a time of widespread frustration and dissatisfaction. This understandably may cause internal conflict, as we try to reconcile the dreams of our former selves with the tough realities many of us are living. Dr. Gresham urges young women to view regret as “an important process in terms of figuring out what we might have been or done in the past if we had known better . . . If used well, regret helps us change and grow as a person. When used poorly, regret becomes a repetitive bemoaning of a choice that has already been made.” So rather than focusing on what went wrong, perhaps we can try and use the mistakes of our youth to build a better future. What may feel like regret today could end up being the best decision you ever made.

Platitudes not enough for you? Here’s some proof: remember Beth, who regretted allowing a bad boyfriend talk her out of going to the school of her dreams? “I actually had a wonderful experience at the state school I ended up going to,” she laughs. “And I met my husband while I was in college, so I guess it all worked out the way it was supposed to!” Now that is what I call a happy ending.

Perhaps you’re more familiar with Peggy’s male counterpart, Peter. Peter is that cocky, devil-may-care guy whose social IQ appears to be lower than his actual age. He’s the incessant “adultolescent.”

And while it’s true Peter Pan Syndrome (the pop psychology diagnosis for who remain childish and fail to assume appropriate adult social roles and responsibilities) more often affects men, some Gen Y women are also eschewing entry into the adult world of plans and responsibilities. Instead, they’re flying “second to the right, and straight on till morning,” into their own version of Never Never Land.

No worries—just livin’ the high life
Just envision a magical island where you get all the perks and freedoms of adulthood, without any of the adult responsibility. It’s a place for playing, partying, obsessing over trends and appearances, and over-over spending.

“Come with me where you’ll never have to worry about grown-up things like jobs, relationships or finances!” the impish Peggy persuades. But for some, never can be a very long time. It’s all too easy to get stuck in all the delusionary pleasures and comforts of Never Never Land—especially if you’ve got parents (or an imaginary Prince Charming) prepared to bail you out.

Blame the parents?
This kind of “enabling” just may be what landed you in Never Never Land in the first place. Many experts, including nationally recognized psychologist Dr. Susan Bartell, believe the Peter and Peggy Pans of this generation are truly a product of parents who failed to teach the hard truths of fiscal and personal responsibility.

When Gen Y was growing up, “there was an emotionally overindulging psychology movement that spoke to parents about being your child’s friend; about not damaging your child through setting limits or disciplining them,” Dr. Bartell asserts. “Parents nurtured Gen Y self-indulgence in childhood and never said ‘no’ to them for anything. So now, Gen Y can’t say ‘no’ to themselves. It’s not so much a fear of growing up as it is a need for immediate gratification.”

Gen Y life coach and author Christine Hassler agrees that Gen Y’s “grandiose” upbringing has much to do with the “I’m just here to have fun” mindset. But she also points the finger at society. “Gen Y grew up with the modeling of young people being very rich and famous; a celebrity culture where people got famous for not doing much,” Hassler explains. “On reality television, people are living the high life for really no reason at all. Media so often depicts this young and fabulous sort of thing; not the you’re young and you should be paying your dues sort of thing.”

Do you need a little more Tink?
But did well-intentioned parents and trash TV really produce an entire generation of Lost Boys and Girls flitting and floating about Never Never Land with a “slacker-entitlement” mentality? Truth is, there are plenty of Gen Y women who’ve gracefully learned to accept the virtues of adulthood (they’re the Wendys of this story). It’s just that the Peters and Peggys have created enough drama to give the whole of Gen Y a bit of a naughty reputation—particularly in the workplace.

Women who are stuck in Never Never Land are “more guilty of bringing their problems to work. And they expect more coddling,” says Hassler. In more extreme cases (like the ones Dr. Bartell has seen), these adultolescents are constantly bickering with co-workers and throwing temper tantrums if required to re-do work or stay late. And they may not even realize that’s how they’re behaving and being perceived.

Dr. Billie Blair, organizational psychologist and President/CEO of the international management consulting firm, Change Strategists, Inc. sheds a little more light: “The early life experiences of Gen Y have led them to believe they are special and deserve special treatment. The marketplace has an alternative perception. Employers see this kind of behavior as selfish and self-centered. They can also interpret this behavior as an unwillingness to be a team player, which is greatly needed in today’s workplace.”

Fearlessly self-assured
And yet we also know that Gen Y is extremely passionate about their work. You really want to make a difference in this world. So what’s really going on in the mind of Peggy Pan when she’s reluctant to take on a position that requires longer hours—or resistant to commit to a more serious personal relationship?

Underneath Peggy’s party girl exterior, there just may be a twenty-something who’s just a little insecure or unconfident. Did your parents always make life easy for you? Do they continue to make life easy for you? That only makes it harder to let go and assuredly find your way.

And then there are those expectations. Some Peggy Pans stall in Never Never Land waiting for the illusive day when their life’s purpose or passion will just hit them like a lightning bolt. “They have unrealistic expectations of what they’re waiting for, rather than just getting started on life,” Hassler suggests.

The poor economy can also play into these unrealized expectations. Says Dr. Bartell: “There are a lot young people coming out of school whose expectations were they would find a job and they’ve been having a hard time. Part of what I’m seeing with that is a layer of depression. When you’re depressed, you’re not motivated, and the ego takes a tougher hit.”

“Second star to the right and straight on till morning”
In many ways, a visit to Never Never Land is nothing more than an escape or denial about your lack of faith in yourself in the Real Real World. And while it’s true Gen Y has been slower to grow up than previous generations, it’s not always such a bad thing.

“In the past we had to become adults so quickly that didn’t take time for self-discovery,” notes Hassler. “ Today there are a lot of twenty-somethings who are seeking. There’s a higher level of consciousness. They’re saying, ‘Before I figure out what I want to be and who I want to brush my teeth next to for the rest of my life, let me figure out who I am.’”

When you do figure that out, you just might realize there’s a very magical sort of power in growing up—in taking charge of your own life, making your own decisions, paying your own way and committing to your own definitions of fun and success. Being an adult is an awfully big adventure.

Each Tuesday at 12:00 pm CT, MyPath and BizMeBizGal Amanda Gulralski, publisher and cofounder of bizMe.biz online magazine and Gen Y career expert and speaker, host an hour-long Career Chat on Twitter (#careerchat). You can learn about upcoming topics and submit your questions by following @MyPath_MP and @bizMebizgal.

Next week’s chat (Tuesday 7/27 at 12:00 CT) is all about negotiating. How do you negotiate? When do you bring it up? How do you decide if benefits are more important than salary? What about making a counteroffer? Join us next week to get answers to these questions and more.

July 20th, 2010: Job Searching While Employed

Question 1: You’ve been thinking about switching jobs/looking for new opportunities. How do you even start?

Staying Internal:
Jill_Perlberg: You need to identify what you’re looking for that you don’t have now. And if you want to stay with the same co .
CaSuPe15: Good point!
Jelfster: Good point – and make sure you research to see that the job you want has this…grass isn’t always greener!
MyPath_MP: Definitely true. You need to really think about all the reasons why you want to make a move in the first place.
Jill_Perlberg: If you want stay with same co., your current boss might be your biggest ally, depends on the relationship.
MyPath_MP: For internal advancement, your boss may definitely know of opportunities you won’t.
CaSuPe15: Would this work in a small company setting?
Jill_Perlberg: It might. Depends on the firm. If you need more challenge, you might be able to craft your next job.
MyPath_MP: I agree, more & more you’re able to create your own position as long as you have a good biz case.
Jill_Perlberg: Stay internal: make sure your digging about jobs doesn’t get to your boss before you tell them you’re in looking
Jill_Perlberg: Know who you can trust internally and ask them to keep eyes and ears out for jobs and information
bizMebizgal: you best know your corporate culture, and have an idea of how they will handle it. if like High School, then mums the word
buzzandrea: If you want to advance internally, I think you should have an action plan – even work with your management team to create it
Jill_Perlberg: I completely agree. HR may also help to identify what changes might be taking place that you’re unaware of
MyPath_MP: Excellent point! Always need to show the employer why this is good for them too.
CaSuPe15: Agreed, good point!
Jill_Perlberg: If the change is due to your current boss, tread lightly when you are talking internal
MyPath_MP: Agree. You never know who talks to whom internally. Sometimes it can help, sometimes it can’t!

Looking Outside:
bizMebizgal: If you are thinking about looking outside your company, networking within the community is a great place to learn options
bizMebizgal: networking give you the opportunity to create a personal brand and meet new people which equals new opportunities
CaSuPe15: I’ve made so many amazing connections via Twitter! Chats like #careerchat, #internchat, and #happo are great resources!
bizMebizgal: I completely agree and my networking continues to grow because of twitter
bizMebizgal: Most job opportunities available are all about who you know. If you don’t have a large network, start creating one
MyPath_MP: If you’re only looking outside your co, DON’T tell your boss until you have the job offer in hand.
bizMebizgal: Absolutely!
bizMebizgal: networking can jumpstart any job search just by talking to people and letting them know you are open to other opportunities
CaSuPe15: Good Qs! @bizmebizgal @kblennon
Kblennon: what if you are asked by your boss if you are looking elsewhere…how do you suggest you handle that situation?
Jill_Perlberg: If you feel you are well respected and needed, I would be honest and also say that really want to stay vs. leave
bizMebizgal: Great question! Hopefully you have covered your tracks and can be honest about ur activities.
Jill_Perlberg: Also, you need to know the current work environment, if the company cuts heads often, protect yourself.
LesleyMWeiss: Depends on relationship with boss. Sometimes you can be honest say you’re looking into ops to learn/try new things.
MyPath_MP: Yes, if you’re not comfortable w/being asked, you can say you’re interested in career dev in general.
bizMebizgal: Don’t tell anyone you are looking until you are far enough along that offers are close behind and you make a decision.
bizMebizgal: What happens when u talk to ur boss & then they decide to let you go bc they find out u are looking elsewhere?
LesleyMWeiss: If they let you go, I don’t think there’s much you can do if you’re an “at will” employee, as most are
CaSuPe15: Does it happen where the co ur looking into contacts ur current employer? Is it fair to ask for confidentiality in ur jobsearch?
bizMebizgal: u never put ur current manager as a reference if looking while still employed& u can always ask 4 confidentiality.

Question 2: How do you use your network when you’re looking externally?

MyPath_MP: When your network is made up of current co-workers, you need to tread very carefully.
buzzandrea: You should be specific w/your network re. what you’re looking for and why. It will help them to better identify good leads.
Jill_Perlberg: Often, networks contain current colleagues, be smart about where you post infomration and what you’re looking for.
CaSuPe15: if u know anyone in the industry/co ur interested in, ask about the job/co and culture to see if it’s a good fit
Jobsessed: Depends on network. Social Media: send friends private msgs, not public. In person: limit who you trust/talk to.
MyPath_MP: Exactly. Also individ. messages versus one widespread email blast will help you control who you inform.
LesleyMWeiss: At the same time, be careful what you share with new contacts–you never know if your new contact knows your boss
LesleyMWeiss: If you have a mostly internal network, make sure you can really, truly trust them to keep quiet if you ask for help.
Jill_Perlberg: Utilize direct messaging, Facebook, and other sites where you can reach out to people confidentially
MyPath_MP: Treat anyone you meet as a potential networking contact, you never know who’ll end up helping you.
bizMebizgal: Linkedin is a great tool to use to set up informational interviews to get some face time w/ people. Face time very important.
Jill_Perlberg: Look for former colleagues on LinkedIn who are now employed at your target company, ask them for info/reference, etc.
Jelfster: Also depends on what industry you’re in. Some (journalism springs to mind) are very tight-knit. Word travels fast!
Jill_Perlberg: exactly. You need to use common sense.
MyPath_MP: Absolutely right. You know your industry best, so act accordingly.
bizMebizgal: Make separate biz cards to pass out when u meet people that list what interested in finding & email different than ur work.
CaSuPe15: Great idea!
buzzandrea: People talk; therefore, you should always be prepared for the consequences – Don’t do it otherwise.
bizMebizgal: Good point! If you aren’t ready to be honest about what you are doing, then you shouldn’t be doing it.
bizMebizgal: Always follow up with everyone you meet. Never know who their 2nd and 3rd contacts are.
MyPath_MP: Don’t use company time to network!
Jill_Perlberg: Remain professional! Don’t do something that would impact current rel’ships & ability to come back
LesleyMWeiss: 1 reason why it’s a good idea to always have active network: new activity and queries are both easier and less noticeable
MyPath_MP: And if you already have a presence on LinkedIn, it’s easy to direct potential contacts to yr profile.
bizMebizgal: Informational interviews is a great way to meet people w/in a potential company you are looking to join. Pick up the phone!
MyPath_MP: When sending emails, make sure you have a personal sig line that includes your LI profile link & pers contact info
bizMebizgal: Make sure that your email address is very professional and not some high school one that you once thought was cool.
CaSuPe15: haha! scary that people still do that!
Jelfster: It’s always easier to get a job from a job, so less need to expose yourself to risk.

Question 3: You have an offer on the table. How do you approach your boss?

jobsessed: Ask boss to chat, approach openly and honestly, don’t beat around the bush.
LesleyMWeiss: Respectfully. Don’t burn bridges! You never know what opportunities former coworkers and supervisors can offer in the future
jobsessed: Don’t say you’ve accepted offer yet, they may want to counter/keep you. Saying you’ve accepted could burn that bridge.
MyPath_MP: Exactly, be respectful & see what they say in response first.
buzzandrea: The least non-threatening, the better. There are a whole host of reasons to make this as pleasant an experience as possible.
Jill_Perlberg: agreed. I know many people who left a company for experience only to come back a few year later. Don’t burn bridges
Jelfster: I left a company in 2002 and was back three years later. same bosses. It happens more than people think!
buzzandrea: I went back to two companies three times each!
MyPath_MP: You’ve obviously maintained your relationships very well!
buzzandrea: My new-found knowledge and experience also benefited them, too!
MyPath_MP: Awesome. Win-win helps everyone!
LesleyMWeiss: People repeatedly left and came back to my last employer–they’re very good at sustaining relationships
Jill_Perlberg: Know what you want to do if they counter-offer. More money doesn’t fix all of the reasons why you went looking.
Jelfster: Be honest, but not bitter. Focus on why this is new opportunity is such a good one versus why you’re leaving this one.
MyPath_MP: Great point! Your now-former boss could be a useful networking contact in the future.
Jelfster: Keep the atmosphere cordial – ask your boss what you can do to ensure a smooth transition in the lead-up to your departure.
Jill_Perlberg: Schedule time with your boss so it’s not sprung on them without time to react.
bizMebizgal: Never take this opportunity to vent to ur boss about what u hate. Be open, honest and professional.
MyPath_MP: Be prepared to be asked to train your replacement – and when you train them, do it right.
Jill_Perlberg: Be prepared to be walked out of the building. Depending on where the offer is from, you might be asked to leave right away
buzzandrea: it seems to happen in some industries more than others, too. I think that’s also a consideration.
jobsessed: If you want to keep/have a good relationship, give boss more than two weeks to find a replacement/offer to train new staffer.
MyPath_MP: Agreed, and it depends on the industry/situation. You also have a new job wanting you to start!
Kblennon: another reason why you shouldn’t burn bridges is because you never know when you will need someone’s help
MyPath_MP: Agreed!
bizMebizgal: Right on!
bizMebizgal: Try to always give 2 weeks, this allows your current employee to prepare for your transition. Never leave them hanging
Jill_Perlberg: If your boss counters w/money or responsiblity, talk about why it took the new offer for them to react.
MyPath_MP: You may have been a temp & they’re offering you a perm pos now to keep you.
CaSuPe15: Is there a way to repair damage if you have burned bridges once you’ve left?
MyPath_MP: It’s like a bad break-up: It takes time & nurturing. You may have to do more work to fix it than usual.
Jill_Perlberg: sometimes you can’t fix it and make sure you continue to build all of the other relationships you built within the co.
bizMebizgal: If bridges are burned, there is a reason why you left and walk away knowing you made the right decision.
Jelfster: It takes two to tango – do your best to stay on good terms but it depends on the other person too!
MyPath_MP: Article on why you SHOULDN’T accept a counteroffer: Sometimes it’s just a Band-Aid fix! 8 Reasons Not to Accept a Counteroffer

Open Questions:

AlysondraMilano: How much do employers look at study abroad? Will it greatly hurt my job search to do local internships instead of SA?

Jill_Perlberg: Are you looking to work for a global company? If so, SA will be a huge asset.
AlysondraMilano: I am open to any opportunity. Im doin an internship w/ a nonprofit now, but im lookin for future paid internships
buzzandrea: As more companies understand the importance of globalization, I think studying abroad will put you ahead of the pack!
LesleyMWeiss: I don’t think it would hurt you at all! The real-world experience will really help your job hunt
CaSuPe15: I found an internship while I was abroad! Definitely helped with job search and experience!
Jill_Perlberg: You never know where your career will take you. Even working locally, collegaues may be from abroad.
Kblennon: studying abroad gives u a better world perspective & a better understanding of other cultures u might end up doing business with
Jill_Perlberg: studying abroad taught me more about myself-I learned independence, risk taking,&problem solving–things you’ll need in work
LesleyMWeiss: It’s win-win either way–you expand your experience and skills and make new contacts with abroad or internship
bizMebizgal: unpaid internships however give u the opportunity to experience more departments/activities in an organization.
LesleyMWeiss: Yes, but a paid internship is worth the hunt –especially if you are financing your own education
bizMebizgal: agreed! I have done my fair share of both, paid and non-paid. Non-paid was a better experience
Kblennon: you also meet a ton of people when you study abroad so it’s a great way to network
PRjoshmorris: So true! It’s a small world!
Kblennon: finding a paid internship is hard…be forewarned
MyPath_MP: Yes. You may have to forego $$ for experience
AlysondraMilano: I know, thats why I took an unpaid 1 to build my resume. my HOPES are to get a paid 1, but i wouldnt b closed 2 unpaid
Jelfster: International business experience is becoming increasingly important. Do it & you’ll have golden eggs all over the place.
bizMebizgal: I wish I had the opportunity to study aboard. I played sports in college and no time for anything but sports.
buzzandrea: What about a paid temporary job vs. an unpaid internship?
jobsessed: Internships are smart when unemployed. Future emps will respect ur decision to better urself during tough times

Jelfster: How do you make time to look for another job while employed? At least when you’re out of work it becomes your full-time ‘job’.

subeehonee: Looking for work is my full time job. Was laid off 2 months ago
MyPath_MP: Sorry to hear about your layoff. Looking for work is definitely a full-time job in itself.
bizMebizgal: How is the job search going? What types of things are you doing to find a job?
LesleyMWeiss: You just sleep less. If you’re seriously looking, it’s like having two full-time jobs.
Jelfster: Trouble is, some have other responsibilities and don’t have a spare minute in their day.
bizMebizgal: u have to be committed to finding a new job, hard work. Instead of going home to watch TV, attend a networking event.
MyPath_MP: Exactly. Make time for the job search the same way you make time for the TV.
MyPath_MP: Make sure not to use comp resources. Even w/out a pers. comp, go to the library during lunch/after work

Jill_Perlberg: Anyone out there who recently switched jobs and had to give their notice? How did you handle it?

LesleyMWeiss: I walked into my boss’s office and told her I loved working with her but had an opportunity to try something new
Jelfster: What was her reaction?
LesleyMWeiss: She was great and totally understanding. Now I freelance for both my former depts at old co — very intact bridges
Jill_Perlberg: great success story
MyPath_MP: That’s an excellent way to put it.
jobsessed: I did. Asked to speak to boss, had mtg, offered 90 days to train replacement. Was told “don’t come in Monday.”
MyPath_MP: Ouch! You went well above what was expected, too!
jobsessed: It was something she wanted from someone, so I offered. Didn’t want to burn bridges, but didn’t have a choice.
MyPath_MP: Sounds like you conducted yourself w/integrity. Great asset to a company, you are!
jobsessed: Why thank you. I’d like to think I did. My former boss unfriended me on FB and LinkedIn MOMENTS after I left.
Jill_Perlberg: Yikes. Reason #22 why you have your personal belongings ready to go before meeting with your boss.
jobsessed: Tried to be professional, boss became irrational and took quitting as slap in the face, not me bettering myself.
jobsessed: Reaffirmed my decision to quit
Kblennon: read @aurorameyer blog http://bit.ly/9ZUily great blog on how to handle the last 2 weeks at your job plus more
Jelfster: My last job I left I had a good reason – was moving to the US from Scotland! Said I’d love to stay but commute was too much…
MyPath_MP: Can’t argue with that for a reason!

Remember…

judithrasband: It’s all about managing a professional image — that’s how others perceive us.

===
Missed this chat? No problem! Join us next time on Tuesday, July 20, 12 PM CT. Follow along with #careerchat! Watch @MyPath_MP and @bizMebizgal for upcoming topics.

Previous chat:
7/13/10 All About Interviewing

Each Tuesday at 12:00 pm CT, MyPath and bizMebizGal Amanda Gulralski, publisher and cofounder of bizMe.biz online magazine and Gen Y career expert and speaker, host an hour-long Career Chat on Twitter (#careerchat). You can learn about upcoming topics and submit your questions by following @MyPath_MP and @bizMebizgal.

Next week’s chat (Tuesday 7/20 at 12:00 CT) is all about navigating through a job search when you’re employed. How do you keep your boss from finding out? DO you tell your boss? How do you network when most of your colleagues are your connections online? Join us next week to get answers to these questions and more.

July 13th 2010: All about interviewing

Question 1: I’m interviewing w/a company that has a casual dress culture, do I need to still wear a suit or dress up?

MyPath_MP: If you’re working with a recruiter, ask them what the correct attire will be. Don’t be afraid to pump them for details!
bizMebizgal: If you aren’t using a recruiter, find someone at the company through LinkedIn & ask them what is appropriate for the interview.
Jelfster: Yes. Interviewing is a formal occasion. Companies with casual dress codes require more formal wear at times, and this is one of those times.
Sarahklein PHR: Depends! When I interviewed with a restaurant, they said to wear jeans for the interview. I was the only one who wore jeans and I got the job! Not that listening was the only part that got me the job, but I know it didn’t hurt!
bizMebizgal: I have college students interview for internships all the time in jeans and it drives me wild. If I am dressed up, you’d better be.
lauragainor: It is best to dress up. Make sure you are put together and have clean shoes. It’s better to impress.
Jill_Perlberg: Do the research and know who you are interviewing with. When in doubt, ask!
bizMebizgal: First impressions can really make or break you and fashion plays a huge role in that.
sarahklein_PHR: I dressed up for my unpaid internship at the interview and at work regularly.
Jelfster: Call me old-fashioned, but people just don’t seem to dress up any more. You see shorts, sandals at fancy restaurants too!
bizMebizgal: I am always looking for a good excuse to dress up! Sets the tone and makes people remember you by how you look.


Question 2: How do you properly close an interview?

Jill_Perlberg: Ask about next steps and what else you can provide to help them learn more about you.
Jill_Perlberg: Ask the interviewer if you fit the need they have. They’ll be honest and it may be your only chance to get honest feedback.
sarahklein_PHR: I always set up a proposition for future networking, so even if it doesn’t work out, I can stay connected with the organization.
bizMebizgal: Always have questions prepared for when they ask you “Do you have questions for me?” Never say “Nope, I’m good!”
Jelfster: Thank the interviewer and reiterate your enthusiasm for the job. A warm comment can also help, but choose carefully! Make it something that brings out your human side. Make the interviewer smile and leave them with a positive impression.
Jill_Perlberg: Don’t end with “Should I have my people call your people?”
Jill_Perlberg: Depending on the interview stage, ask for the job!
Jill_Perlberg: If on a phone interview, make sure you have all of the appropriate contact information to send a thank you note.
bizMebizgal: Make sure you always ask for a business card so you can follow up with a thank you afterwards, and be sure to leave yours!
sarahklein_PHR: I always ask about the org culture, even if I’ve researched it, because it’s good to hear HR’s perspective.
lauragainor: Be sure to mail a paper thank you card. It goes farther than just an email. Who gets regular mail these days??
Jill_Perlberg: Ask them about career advancement, average tenure of staff, you want to make sure it’s the right match too.
bizMebizgal: If relevant, ask about their competitors in market. This shows you are aware of their competition and what is happening in the industry.
Jill_Perlberg: If you’re on the phone, smile and show enthusiasm, it comes through loud and clear!
bizMebizgal: Interviewing is like dating: It has to be a good fit for both partners!
TECMidwest: Write down family and hobby information to talk about in your thank you note for that personal touch.
Jelfster: This might seem strange, but dress up for phone interview. It’ll feel as if you’re really there!


Question 3: How do you answer “What are your salary requirements?”

MyPath_MP: Give them the bare minimum of what you would actually leave your company for.
MyPath_MP: Don’t be afraid to ask what their range is, but you should do your salary-range research beforehand.
Jill_Perlberg: Rule of the road is to tell them at least 20% more than what you are making today.
bizMebizgal: You are not a bad person if u ask for more than what u make, just don’t get crazy. I currently make $40K but want $120K.
TECMidwest: First, ask yourself what you would pay you. Are you worth it? Take the time to think it through. Then act.
Jelfster: Research going rate for similar positions in your locale — plenty of online resources to help you do this.
Jill_Perlberg: Leaving a company that you know for something unknown has a price tag on it as well.
MyPath_MP: Recruiters may want you to give your range upfront so they know right away if their client will go for it.
Jill_Perlberg: Don’t forget to also include benefits that are important to you. You might take less $$ for an additional week of vacation.
MyPath_MP: Also you may get a signing bonus, and then the next year get a raise that brings you to the salary you want.
LesleyMWeiss: I usually say it’s dependent on the position and the entire compensation package including benefits.
Jelfster: Moving abroad further complicates matters! Do your homework. Be open to negotiation, but don’t be shy of negotiating up.
LesleyMWeiss: Research is key. Abroad or not it’s important to know differences in cost of living if you’re relocating anywhere!
Jelfster: Absolutely. What is a comfortable salary in, say, Mississippi would not be comparable in NYC.
Jill_Perlberg: Aim high, most women tend to under value their worth.
lauragainor: If you’re in one of these 10 careers you better be using Twitter http://ow.ly/25IOb
Jill_Perlberg: If you are lucky enough to know someone at the company that you can confide in, ask them what they think the range is.
MyPath_MP: Asking ex-employees for typical salary ranges can help too.

Open questions from the crowd:

CaSuPe15: How do you answer “What are your salary requirements” for entry level positions?

Jill_Perlberg: Do research on a site like salary.com to find a range. Entry level tends to be in the 25th percentile.
bizMebizgal: For most entry level positions expecting to make $50K is unrealistic. Probably shoot around $30K to $33K depending.
bizMebizgal: Entry level peeps, NEVER ask how much the company pays while interviewing. Wait for them to tell you when you’re further along.

Jelfster: How do you deal with more than one interviewer in terms of distributing eye contact appropriately?

Jill_Perlberg: Make sure you are pausing, taking in the room and watching body language.
MyPath_MP: Also make sure you get each person’s biz card & write a personal thank-you note.
bizMebizgal: Try to make as much eye contact as possible with each person — just don’t be a bobblehead!

bizMebizgal: Does anyone have horror outfits that they have seen on an interview?

bizMebizgal: I was asked once by a student about nose rings and interviewing. Always, always take that out!
sarahklein_PHR: Someone wore a tux…
LesleyMWeiss: I did once see stirrup pants, with a nice jacket. If you’d only seen her waist-up, she’d have looked fine (if a little dated).
Jelfster: I wear an earring in my left ear. I always took it out for job interviews…when I remembered!
Jill_Perlberg: I was interviewing someone for a position with Cirque du Soleil and they thought it would be good to come as a clown. Not good!
sarahklein_PHR: I have servers show up in beach clothes for interviews, not cool! I don’t expect a suit, but beach clothes?!
bizMebizgal: I think servers have a different perspective of what is appropriate to interview in. But it’s still a job you still need to impress!
bizMebizgal: I got asked if a student should get rid of his mohawk for interviewing. Um, yes!
Jill_Perlberg: Although: Totally depends on the job, industry, & company. Inteviewing with a Fortune 100? Might need to ditch it!

Jelfster: In the modern world of social media, is it appropriate to reach out to interviewers beforehand if you know their name?

Jill_Perlberg: I would personally be put off by it. Now you are basically putting them in an interview position.
LesleyMWeiss: Perhaps do a non-anonymous LinkedIn search, so they know you checked up on them. Then leave it up to them.
Jill_Perlberg: Even in a world of social media, you still need to use common sense and respect the process.
MyPath_MP: There’s a difference between asking a recruiter about a position and contacting someone you’re interviewing with.
Jill_Perlberg: We all know people stalk others on LinkedIn and other sites, but don’t show that YOU do.
MyPath_MP: Make sure your LinkedIn profile is in order when they check back on you!


CaSuPe15: Is it safe to assume your interviewers already following you?

MyPath_MP: It’s safe to assume they’ve checked up on you, yes!
Jill_Perlberg: They already checked on you before they contacted you. Don’t let Facebook, your blog and other sites scare them off.
bizMebizgal: Make Facebook/Twitter accounts reflect the personal brand you are comfortable showing. Remember: What happens in Vegas stays on Twitter!
MyPath_MP: If you don’t want your personal FB shown to the world (and employers), lock it down! Some tips how.


CaSuPe15: Are there any other sites aside from Twitter and LinkedIn that job seekers should be aware of and active on?

LesleyMWeiss: I’d do research and look in your industry. There are plenty of career-specific networking ops–those are most helpful.
MyPath_MP: bizme.biz and MyPath.com have tons of resources for job seekers about topics just like this.
MyPath_MP: lindseypollak.com and personalbrandingblog.com are also excellent resources.


Remember…
bizMebizgal: Interviewing is like networking: The more you do it, the easier it becomes.

What’s the biggest takeaway? We’ll let a crowd comment round it off:

Jelfster: Job interviews needn’t be torture. Just plan well and use common sense!


Missed this chat? No problem! Join us next time on Tuesday, July 20, 12 PM CT. Follow along with #careerchat! Watch @MyPath_MP and @bizMebizgal for upcoming topics.

God help you if you are an ugly girl/’Course too pretty is also your doom/’Cause everyone harbors a secret resentment/for the prettiest girl in the room . . .

Isn’t that the truth? As women, we just can’t win. If we dress down, refuse to wear makeup, and forego those archaic rules of deportment and proper grooming, we’re rendered invisible. And if we come across as too attractive, it’s equally damning—consider the recent case of Debrahlee Loranzana, who claims she was canned from her job at Citibank for being “too hot”. According to the Village Voice, Loranzana was told (among other offensive things) that “as a result of her tall stature, coupled with her curvaceous figure . . . she should not wear classic high-heeled business shoes, as this purportedly drew attention to her body in a manner that was upsetting to her easily distracted male managers.”

Whether or not her suit holds water remains to be seen (Citibank claims that she was fired for completely irrelevant reasons), but Lorenzana’s story does bring to light a very real conundrum for young women in the workplace. How hot is too hot? Can being too beautiful hurt you professionally, or is it all sunshine and roses for those blessed with perfect genetics?

Is pretty a career advantage?
In some careers, beauty has an obvious advantage. Show business, for example, or television news; in these industries, being young and gorgeous is pretty much a prerequisite. Cute waitresses have been shown in various studies to get better tips than their less attractive counterparts. But what about professions that have nothing to do with looks, at least on the surface?

Amanda, a corporate attorney in her early thirties, has found that her appearance has been generally helpful in life, despite the fact that her ability to serve her clients has absolutely nothing to do with her good looks. “To a certain extent it is easier (to be beautiful). In regular everyday interactions, people just seem to have more time for you and are more willing to go out of their way to help you, answer a question, etc. This may have a lot more to do with attitude; beautiful people seem to have the confidence it takes to be treated in this way. There are negative aspects though, too,” she cautions.
“Too much attention to your own looks could make you appear shallow or materialistic. And while I do think I had more opportunities available to me when looking for that first job (it definitely helped during the interview process), professionally, I feel that I have always had to play down my looks in order to be taken seriously.”

Meighan, a 32-year-old biologist, doesn’t necessarily agree. She believes that “people generally have a better impression of others who look good than of those who do not. For example, when going for a job interview, I think that you make a better impression, stand out from other job candidates, and appear generally more put-together if you are good looking.” When asked if being less of a beauty would potentially help her career, she wasn’t so sure. “Based on my theory of people being nicer to more attractive people, perhaps being (even) prettier would help!”

The line between “too hot” and “not hot enough” might be thin, but the research seems to be on the side of beauty. According to a study published in the Journal of Labor Economics by Daniel Hamermesh and Jeff Biddle, good-looking workers earn approximately 5% more than those of with “average” attractiveness. And the plainest of workers really get shafted: they earn 9% less than even the average folks, and get promoted less, to boot.

Still, there could be a price to pay for this economic advantage. In a study called “Judging a Book by Its Cover: Beauty and Expectations in the Trust Game,” researchers Rick Wilson of Rice University and Catherine Eckel of the University of Texas at Dallas found that people actually expect more out of beautiful people—and when they don’t deliver, the backlash can be brutal. “People have very high expectations of the level of trust of beautiful people,” Eckel told ABC’s 20/20 on a 2006 episode. “When beautiful people fail to live up to those expectations, they’re punished more harshly than people who are not beautiful.” Remember the point I made about pretty waitresses? Those same studies have suggested that if the pretty waitress doesn’t deliver a higher level of service, people get peeved. In other words, if an average waitress gives average service, no biggie; but if a knockout server fails to give knockout service, the customers get angry and tip far less. So if attractive people meet the higher expectations society places on them, then they certainly benefit—but if they don’t measure up, they are judged more harshly than the plain folk. Starting to feel less resentful of your pretty coworker yet?

The likeability factor
Catherine Kaputa, a personal brand strategist and author of You Are a Brand (winner of the Ben Franklin Award for Best Career Book 2007), and The Female Brand (2009), says that with beauty, “like most things, you can have too much of a good thing. If you’re branded as beautiful (and not merely attractive) you run the risk of being branded merely in terms of your strongest attribute—looks—and have trouble being taken seriously.” She related the story of one client, Caroline, who found that by slightly underplaying her looks and appearing more relatable, she could overcome any negative beauty bias she encountered. “Caroline was careful to dress professionally and stylishly, but not in a trendy or sexy fashion. She made an effort to build relationships one-on-one with colleagues, particularly those who she felt were sabotaging her or jealous of her. Her tactic was to show some vulnerability and appear more like the girl next door than a beauty queen, to share some aspects of her life where she was struggling just like them and it made a tremendous difference.

That “likeability factor” may be the key to extracting the power of beauty in the workplace, without succumbing to its traps. “Look at Jennifer Anniston and Angelina Jolie,” Kaputa suggests. “Both are beautiful women, but Jennifer has a girl-next-door aspect and has had men problems that we can all relate to, so there is a strong likeability factor with her.”

Megan, a 28-year-old teacher, was forced to harness this “likeability” power when she was hired as a permanent substitute for an elementary school. “The interview process was brutal, not because of the principal, but because of the two female teachers she asked to be part of the process. They both grilled me, and they seemed to have a grudge against me the minute I walked in the door,” she laments. And the hazing didn’t end there. “Once I had the job, the other women teachers were very unfriendly and even a little hostile to me. I, of course, can’t say for sure that this had anything to do with my looks or age, but it was the glaringly obvious difference between me and them.”

So, rather than employing the “don’t hate me because I’m beautiful” tactic (never a successful way to go, for the record), Megan took the high road. “It took a month or two for me to convince them that I was capable and intelligent. Some of those women are still my friends, and I know I would be welcome to sub there anytime.”

It seems with a little finesse, the beautiful people really do come out on top. But what about those of us who aren’t as genetically blessed? How can we handle our feelings of envy and resentment when it seems the pretty people get all the advantages?

Is the grass greener for those blessed with beauty?
Drug rep Judith was practically turning into Kermit the Frog, she was so envious of her tall, glamazon coworker. “We’d go on sales calls together,” the 26-year-old reminisces, “and I swear the clients wouldn’t even look at me. I felt like her lackey. I’d be sitting there holding our promotional crap, feeling like Shrek. Didn’t help that I happen to be short and a bit on the fluffy side.”

But when her colleague went through a bad breakup and began letting work slip through the cracks, Judith started realizing what a double-edged sword beauty could be. “She became so distracted, and I started to see that her charm was all gloss and no substance. I’d be covering for her constantly, cracking jokes, and the clients started responding more to me. I could see this look of disappointment on their faces when she walked in looking all spacey and distant – it was like they expected her to be this perfect, plastic version of ‘hot sales rep’, and when she let that mask slip, she didn’t really have the sales smarts or anything to fall back on. She’d never had to develop those skills, because it had always been easy for her.” Needless to say, Judith ended the quarter as the highest earning rep on her team; the pretty coworker left the company.

Even if you aren’t a knockout, a little image enhancement can go a long way. In You Are a Brand!, Kaputa offers tips on how to make yourself a more attractive “package”. These include playing up your assets, dressing professionally, and developing a “trademark” look (think Larry King and his suspenders). But even just wearing something that makes you feel attractive and powerful can affect how others treat you. Your grandmother was right: good posture, and carrying yourself with confidence and pride, can work wonders.

25-year-old Jackie was just starting out in her Big 5 accounting firm when she was struck with a viscous (and poorly timed) outbreak of adult acne. “I’d always been the ‘pretty’ one,” she says, “And then suddenly, I became this insecure person, shuffling around the office with my head down because I was so ashamed of how I looked.” She watched as coworkers who’d been in her hiring class began to be promoted left and right; this only fueled her insecurities.

Finally, Jackie’s supervisor sat her down for a talk; she wasn’t meeting company expectations, and he wondered if something was wrong with her personal life. “He told me I’d been their most promising recruit, and that he was sad and confused as to why I wasn’t thriving in our corporate environment. I left that meeting feeling so angry at myself. I’d always told less attractive friends that looks didn’t matter; that if you carried yourself well and had confidence, you’d be successful. And here I was, sabotaging my own career because of a few stupid zits.”

Jackie took herself on a shopping spree that weekend. “I bought a great-fitting suit and the most killer shoes you’ve ever seen,” she grins. “I went in Monday morning and held my head high, acne and all. And you know what? People responded. The more positive reactions I got, the more confident I felt, and pretty soon I was back to being my old self. My acne cleared up eventually, but before it did, I was promoted to a position where I was actually supervising some of those coworkers who’d been promoted before me.”

The moral of this story?
Beauty might give some women an unfair advantage, but it’s not the be-all, end-all of success. And if that doesn’t make you feel better about the ridiculously perfect new hire in your department, remember the immortal words of another one of my favorite poet-philosophers, Miss Piggy: “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.” Enough said, Miss Piggy. Enough said.

The Non-theatrical Players:

Samantha Devine – CT born and raised, natural blonde, working in and out of creative agencies for the last year. Recently started a full-time job at a fashion PR firm.

Jessica Monks – From the shores of Long Island, went to college down South, has worked at a customs brokerage firm at John F. Kennedy International Airport since May 2009.

Christina Youngmann – Ocean-loving New Jersey native, has been interning with consumer brands at a New York City PR agency since November.

How to avoid the DQ:

Devine: “Try to rise above the drama and not get involved. I don’t think you necessarily need to avoid the drama queen in the office—just the drama itself.

When someone is overreacting to a situation or talking poorly about a co-worker, you can listen to her perspective and let her vent, but stay neutral and try not to say anything negative about either party involved. If you’re not receptive to the drama, the queen may stop going to you.

Also, try your best to avoid becoming the root of drama. Personally, I usually try to be non-confrontational. But, this can also be a sign of weakness in the office if you never hold your own ground.”

Monks: “If the drama queen is interacting with you and starts telling you about her life, politely respond with short phrases like, “that’s nice,” “okay,” or “I’m sorry” – if that doesn’t do the trick, make up an excuse: ‘I would love to keep talking but I have a lot of work I have to get back to.’ ”

Youngmann: “First, try the “acting busy” route (even if you aren’t) or plug in your iPod as a signal that you’re not interested. Don’t make eye contact or react to her story. If you actually like this girl and want to give her advice, say you can talk about it on your free time, like lunch or after work.”

How do you react to the constant chatter?

Devine: “I usually don’t mind it . . . But, when it does get to be too annoying or distracting, I tune out with earphones and good music. Also, when I keep busy with work, co-workers usually understand that I don’t have time to partake.”

Monks: “If you have an office door, keep it closed when you know the chatter-er is around. If she is doing her rounds, and stops to say hi, nip it in the bud and respond with something like, “sorry, I can’t chat right now, I’m swamped. Maybe we can catch up later if I don’t end up sleeping in the office tonight.’”

Youngmann: “When working in an open space, keep your headphones on at all times, not allowing yourself to appear open for conversation. Unless she’s some kind of robot, eventually she’ll get the hint and stop talking so much.”

Anything a supervisor could do to limit the theatrical performances?

Devine: “Supervisors should be clear with everyone on the team and try keeping everyone on the same page about how office hours should be spent.”

Monks: “Personally I don’t think there is much that they can do. Maybe enforce non-chatting rules except at lunch or breaks, but that’s unrealistic. But, something that could be beneficial for co-workers: seminars or workshops on the difference between personal and professional behavior and conversations.”

Youngmann: “Give her more work! That way she won’t have as much free time to ponder her personal dilemmas.”

 “No.” Yeah, it’s a simple word, with just two letters and a lack of preconceived connotations. Yet, many business professionals fear letting this slip from their tongues, thus resulting in a permanent black mark on their record. Despite the desire to decline another’s work, most lack the verbiage and/or knowhow.

As many in pursuit of career advancement can attest, this can be one of the most stressful and loaded expressions. On one hand, we as ambitious professionals want to demonstrate capability, responsibility, and enthusiasm as the go-to employee. On the other, constant willingness to assist others with projects can turn you into the gofer. When viewed as the office answer source, it becomes increasingly difficult for that answer to be “No.”

Pick Your Battles

Knowing when and whom to turndown will assuage some of the expected grief. Every office possesses that one serial moocher, who artistically pushes off responsibilities to anyone in their general area, including coworkers, clients, the janitor, even a random guy off the street. When you recognize your position as the looter’s work dumpster, finding the strength to refuse lending a hand becomes easier. And who knows, perhaps your actions will finally empower that person to complete even just one assignment . . . just don’t hold your breath.

Contrastingly, saying no to upper management becomes a bit trickier. Already, your two-week paycheck clocks out at 96 hours, and your significant other has your cardboard cutout at the dinner table. But having a successful career is important and turning down opportunities might give the wrong impression about your work ethic.

A great way to avoid being stuck between this rock and hard place is to give the supervisor(s) your weekly to-do list. As we all know, upper management can sometimes fail to consider subordinates’ schedules and expect impossible results. When the company leaders can wrap their heads around your full itinerary, they may feel less inclined to load on more baggage. Thus, you’ll mitigate the need for justification of a declined request. Granted, this is an ideal, because there will be times when your manager has no other choice or simply believes you’re the best one for the job (naturally).

“No” after You’ve Said Yes!

One of the best ways to alleviate the guilt of saying “No” is to start saying “Yes.” By either taking the initiative to accept responsibility or seek it out, you earn a get-out-of-work pass. Not only do you come out of it looking like a team player (personal jersey and all), but surreptitiously dictate the efforts coming across your desk.

Ways to Say No

Despite most individuals’ preference for honesty, the word “No”, without a following explanation, catches most off guard and may be perceived as rude, cold, and abrupt. Whether or not this is your intention makes little difference; perception is reality. Instead, maintain a great rapport with your coworkers by declining in a way that would make a PR specialist proud, such as: