bizMe

I have two recurring nightmares. In one, I am suddenly back in my high school biology class. I realize I haven’t done a bit of the assigned reading all semester just as the teacher passes out our final exam. Scary, but a cakewalk compared to the other dream: I am all alone in the middle of a cocktail party, buck naked save for the lone pig-in-a-blanket and blaringly pink Cosmo in my shaking hands. The room full of movers and shakers stands around me, pointing and laughing.

What makes the second dream so frightening is that it could happen. Well, maybe not in the literal sense—I don’t normally attend professional events in the nude. But we’ve all experienced that feeling of being completely exposed and alone in a crowd, especially at work-related soirees, where the pressure to perform hangs ominously over our heads.

Unless you were born with the gift of gab, the thought of small-talking your way to networking success probably makes you feel like you just ate an undercooked cocktail weenie. But fear not, shy one—with a few simple tips, you’ll be able to schmooze with the best of them—and still have your dignity in the morning.

What’s the big deal about small talk?

This fact is pretty depressing if you’re drowning in a mountain of student loans, but a 1989 study of Stanford University MBAs suggests that grade point average—and possibly even that advanced degree you hold so dear—has little to do with career success. Rather, it’s “verbal fluency” , your ability to talk to people, that predicts how successful you will be.

Think about it logically: a good conversationalist has an advantage in nearly every aspect of business, starting with getting your coveted position. Interviewing successfully in this competitive economy means making connections, not just having a pretty resume. If you can find some way to relate to the person interrogating—sorry, I mean interviewing —you, you’ll make a better impression.

Virginia Lam, a 30-year-old Chief of Staff to the President of a high-profile New York City PR firm and former deputy press secretary for NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg, is in a career field known for it’s schmooze factor. Her unique talents in verbal fluency are not only a career requisite, but have also allowed her to work seamlessly across a number of industries (she started out in the corporate world, then moved into politics, and most recently has been working with clients in the real estate and entertainment fields), while never appearing to be a rookie. “Being able to clearly articulate ideas and opinions is a critical skill set, no matter what industry you work in,” says Lam.

Her small talk abilities allow her to quickly find common ground in even the most intimidating job interviews. “You should never be afraid to engage the interviewer. Ask questions, listen to their answers and build the conversation. Find ways to connect your experiences to their own or with the role you’re seeking at the company. Being engaging doesn’t have to mean being overly aggressive. Often times, people confuse the two.”

Small Talk 2.0: Conversing in a digital world

You get the point: small talk is a big asset to your career. But especially for our high-tech generation, conversation can be a challenge. Susan RoAnne, considered one of the foremost experts on small talk (she literally wrote the book on the subject How To Work a Room, Collins, 2000) devoted an entire new book to this very problem. In Face to Face: How to Reclaim The Personal Touch in a Digital World (Fireside, 2008), RoAnne warns that all our emailing, texting, and instant messaging may save us time, but rob us of “the opportunity to build rapport, trust, and connections, as well as the unexpected benefits that happen in the face-to-face space.”

Even if we are down the hall from a coworker, we often send emails rather than talk in person. Social settings like corporate retreats, parties and conferences may be our only chance to make the personal connections so vital to our personal and professional success. Small talk has become even more important, but unfortunately, our lack of face-to-face contact has made it more difficult. In Face to Face, RoAnne says that the “national average of those of us who self-identify as shy has increased from 80 percent in 1985 to 93 percent in 2000.”

Rather than hiding behind your laptop, try conversing on a daily basis with anyone you can—taxi drivers, grocery store clerks, or your doorman. You’ll find that you’ll get better at it the more you do it, making you more confident in your conversational abilities when it really counts.

Gender Divide: It’s a fine line between flirting and small talk

It may not be P.C. to bring this up, but there’s no escaping our gender differences. There’s been a plethora of research on how differently men and women communicate, and how this can affect corporate sociology. Can small talk be addressed from a masculine/feminine perspective as well? You bet your cute little butt it can.

That was offensive, wasn’t it? I’m sure you have a very cute tush, but it doesn’t have any relevancy to this discussion. But if we’d been talking about chatting up a cute guy in a bar, you probably wouldn’t have batted an eye at that comment.

It’s frustrating, but the only difference between conversing at a bar and chatting at a business meeting is the attire (hopefully) and context. Obviously, you’re supposed to be in professional, networking mode while in a business environment, but schmoozing can feel awfully close to flirting. Wait, you’re probably thinking. We have a hard enough time being taken seriously in the workplace, and now we have to worry about how our efforts at small talk will be misconstrued?

RoAnne assures us that we can avoid sending the wrong message with a few no-nonsense tactics. “If you don’t want to be misinterpreted, watch your language when you’re among men you don’t know . . . watch for double entendres, since we can easily put out signals we don’t mean to put out.”

Lam has avoided awkwardness by keeping a close eye on the tone and purpose of her small talk. “If you ever feel the conversation sliding into unprofessional territory, there are easy ways to bring it back. Again, it goes back to listening. If you listen carefully, you’ll be able to drive the conversation and bring it back to a professional level.”

Dealing with sexual politics isn’t the only problem for women when it comes to small talk. The next time you have trouble being extroverted in a crowd, blame society (hey, it’s better than blaming your mother). We may be living in a post-Feminist world, but cultural influences still berate us for being too “aggressive” or “overbearing” . For fear of being seen as brash, many of us are hesitant to start a conversation with a stranger, or use that conversation as a marketing tool.

Before you dismiss this article as a 1950′s diatribe for proper etiquette, let me assure you that there’s a silver lining. Despite having to be a little more cautious on the tone of our small talk, we have unique advantages as women. You know that old stereotype about men not wanting to ask directions, no matter how lost they are? In the book Why Can’t a Man Be More Like a Woman (Kensington 1995), author Sandra Beckwith explains this phenomenon by pointing out that men see asking questions as a sign of weakness. Since finding out about the other person is a vital aspect of small talk, it follows that we have a natural advantage as the more inquisitive sex. Women do not shy away from questions; we see it as an opportunity to gather information and build relationships. Just be aware that while most women will easily converse about more intimate subjects like home and family, men tend to prefer discussing current events, sports, or basically anything other than personal topics.

These types of generalizations probably get your blood boiling, but a grudging respect for gender differences will make you a better small talker in the long run.

The Nitty Gritty: A Small Talk Primer

The rules of small talk are short and sweet, much like a good small talk itself. Basically, you need to feel comfortable introducing yourself to a stranger; initiating a short, light conversation; making a good impression on the other person while allowing them to feel appreciated and entertained; and ending the conversation smoothly and politely.

Easy, right?

For most of us, this is paramount to curing cancer or beating Michael Phelps in the 200-meter freestyle. But truly, it isnt brain surgery—by breaking it down into bite size pieces, we can all learn to be sufficiently successful schmoozers.

Step 1: Breaking In, Breaking Through

The hardest parts of a successful schmooze session are the beginning and the end. The best way to start small talk is to make a comment about the event, followed by a related question that will allow the other person to share pertinent info. Let’s say you just met a woman while waiting in line at the bar at the corporate Christmas party:

You: Wow, this year’s turnout is much better than last year’s. The planning committee did a great job. Do you know anyone who was involved?
Total Stranger Woman: No, but my friend Leila works in Marketing and I know that they had some input into the venue.
You: Oh, my department—Research—is right down the hall from Marketing. They have the best coffee in their break room. You ever visit your friend’s office and try it?
Total Stranger Woman: I’m up in Sales on the fifth floor, but maybe I’ll have to start hanging out at Leila’s office. Might save me some money on Starbucks.

In that short exchange, you just learned that this stranger works in sales, has a friend whose office is down the hall from yours, and nurses a nasty addiction to caffeine. All great networking tidbits, and you’re only four lines into the conversation! Next step would be to introduce yourself with a smile and keep the chat going for a few more minutes, and voila! You are a small talkin’ champ.

If you’re still unsure how to initiate small talk, there are three tried-and-true ways to get you chatting up total strangers with ease:

1. Hang out near the food. People congregate there, and it gives you something to do and something to talk about. If you are reaching for a brownie at the same time as someone else, that can be an easy opening: “These look deadly, don’t they?”
2. Pick out a conversation piece. Comment (positively, of course) on someone’s tie, pin, or shoes. Better yet, wear an interesting accessory yourself. RoAnne holds up Madeline Albright as an example: Albright always wore an interesting pin to events. Foreign heads of state would be intrigued by what was on her lapel, making it easy to connect on some small level despite policy and cultural differences.
3. Approach people who are standing alone. It’s less intimidating than breaking into a group of talking, laughing people.

Step 2: Keeping it Going

Most experts agree: the best small talk tool is to ask a lot of questions. The reason questions work so well is that it allows the other person to talk about herself, making her feel like she is interesting and important. Meanwhile, while she’s talking, you can pick up valuable tidbits of information that can help you continue the conversation or even find creative ways of networking with her down the line. But beware—ask too many questions, or ask in the wrong way, and your schmoozing could feel like the Inquisition.

To avoid coming off like the Gestapo, RoAnne suggests practicing “O.A.R.” —observe, ask, reveal. With this technique, you make observations about the other person by asking questions and digesting the information you’re given. Then, you find a way to relate to her by sharing a related tidbit of your own—the “reveal” . “If you never share anything, it’s as if you’re in an interrogation . . . but if all you do is make observations, you’re pontificating,” warns RoAnne. “The magic is in the mix.”

Step 3: Subject Matter Matters

The best small talkers are well versed in a lot of arcane knowledge. Keeping up with your current events is easy in this Internet age; you don’t even need to read a newspaper to intelligently discourse on what’s happening in the world. TV shows and sports are great subjects, so there’s your excuse to watch the new 90210 or the big game. Avoid politics and religion like the plague, and you should be golden.

Small topics often lead to bigger topics, which can sometimes lead to networking opportunities. Which brings us to . . .

Step 4: Networking Is Not Just For Your Laptop

Before we go on, I must admit I have this tiny problem. When someone introduces himself, I immediately forget his name. So do as I say, not as I do: pay special attention during the introductory portion of your small talk session. Make sure you are pronouncing the person’s name correctly, and then use it as much as you can throughout the conversation. This will help keep your mental Rolodex sharp, because there is nothing more embarrassing than running into someone in the office hallway a week after talking to them for 20 minutes at a party, and not knowing their name. Trust me, I speak from experience.

Back to the topic: networking. In a social setting, it can be a catch-22. You don’t want to come off smarmy or opportunistic, but obviously, in a work environment, it’s all about making connections. Best way to do this? Skip the ulterior motives and just have a conversation. If an opportunity comes up to mention what it is you do or a way you might be able to assist the other person professionally, casually approach the subject and offer to follow up at a later time, while handing them your business card.

Step 5: Watch That Body Language

“Your body language in a conversation says a lot without you even uttering a word,” offers Lam, who has professionally hobnobbed with high-powered corporate execs, celebrities, and politicians. “In addition to listening well, here are a few other things you should consider: Are you making eye contact? Are you smiling or reacting appropriately to the conversation? Are you turned toward the person you’re speaking to? These physical cues are great indicators of how engaged a person is in a conversation.”

There is nothing worse than talking to someone who is constantly looking over your head to see if someone more important or interesting is walking by. Don’t be that person. Besides being rude, it is a surefire way to make a terrible impression on a potential career contact. You just never know how someone may play into your future goals, so don’t burn your bridges. If you feel the need to get out of the conversation, do it gracefully.

Step 6: Get Out While the Getting’s Good

Even if the conversation is going well, parties and events are meant for mingling. You don’t want to make an awkward exit, so wait until a lull in the conversation, and then tell the other person how great it was talking to her. (This is a great time to offer that business card, incidentally.) Shake hands, and then walk far enough away—RoAnne suggests a quarter of the room’s distance—so that it doesn’t look like you were just bored with the conversation. If you feel awkward about this, you can use my “cheater’s” way out—say you have to visit the ladies’ room. This can be a gracious exit and give you a chance to use the loo, all in one fell swoop.

If your conversation partner is starting to look restless (another reason to pay attention to body language—maybe his eyes are roaming, or he is shifting his weight from foot to foot), he may be politely trying to send a message that he needs to move on. Give him an out by using either of the exits just mentioned. He’ll appreciate not having to be the one to appear rude or uninterested.

What if the other person won’t take a hint, and you can’t see any way to extricate yourself? Try introducing the person to someone else. Yes, it may be pawning a boring conversation partner off on a friend, but all is fair in love and small talk!