bizMe

Nate Andrews had just started at a small video production shop in Madison, Wisconsin, just two months before. The 28-year-old production specialist enjoyed the casual atmosphere and the rapport that developed among the small, tightly-knit team.

Then, one day, there was a new face behind the reception desk.

Neither Andrews, now 31, nor Vivian Olson, 23, really remembers a moment when they officially “started dating.”

“It started out basically with emails during the day,” Andrews said. “Just chatty emails. I must have asked her out vaguely at some point. These days it’s not like you exactly have to ask someone out. It’s not like you have to say, ‘Would you like to go on a date with me?’ I think we just had plans to get a drink after work or something.”

That was just a few weeks after Olson’s first day. The newly minted couple decided to keep their status on the downlow, because, more than any other reason, the casual office environment lent itself to teasing.

“We didn’t feel like getting harassed by our coworkers,” Andrews says. “I talked to her at work. They made fun of me just for that. And there can be so many voices in your ear at work, and eyes on you. There can be a lot of pressure.”

“We didn’t want to make it awkward for anyone there” Olson adds. “We thought people might razz us or something. If it didn’t work out, it’d be awkward for everyone else. They’d be aware of this tension. And people would be uncomfortable if we were all affectionate or whatever.”

Fast forward three years. They’re now happily cohabitating with two cats and laying down the foundations of a life together in Portland, Oregon.

So, is this couple the exception, the rare success story, one of the few able to navigate the treacherous territory of workplace romance?

Not even close, according to Stephanie Losee and Helaine Olen, authors of Office Mate: Your Employee Handbook for Romance on the Job.

The authors, who both met their husbands at work, say fully half of American workers will, at one time or another, date someone at work. And one in five of those couples wind up getting hitched.

That’s partly because office romance is just a modern manifestation of a centuries-old human tendency to pair up with those nearby.

“Old-fashioned dating all took place within four blocks of home,” says Losee. “The village has moved to the office.”

Besides, the workplace is where kindred spirits gather.

“If you’re going to make friends with your coworkers, you’re going to make romances with your coworkers,” says Olen. “You have everything in common (with your coworkers). It’s ridiculous how much you have in common.”

Andrews concurs: “I feel like that’s where I’ve met some of my closest friends, at some kind of job. So it stands to reason that I’d meet the ol’ ball and chain there, too.”

“You’re not going to see any industry where it’s not going on,” Olen says. She notes, however, that the technology sector is particularly ripe for workplace romance because more and more women are entering the industry, and because the hours are long and devotion to the company strong.

“When you’re on a campus, like at Google or Microsoft, you almost live there,” Olen says. Not to mention somewhat removed from the outside world.

While workplace romance is not uncommon, it’s not new, either. “Baby Boomers dated enormously in the office,” says Olen. “They just didn’t talk about it much.”

That’s probably because it was pretty much verboten in many workplaces until recently. But that’s changed quite a lot in the last 15 to 20 years—thankfully, Olen says.

“Employers have thrown in the towel,” she says. “Their best hope is to embrace it. Some are actually quite proud of it.”

Case in point: Southwest Airlines decorates one whole hallway at corporate hq with photos of the couples who got together at work and the kids they’ve produced. Some have even tied the knot right there in the lobby at headquarters.

“That might be taking it a bit far,” says Southwest spokesperson Christi Day. Still, employees are encouraged to date, and to be open about it.

“It is encouraged simply because we like to think of Southwest as one big happy family. There’s a lot of love here,” Day says. She adds that creating a family-like environment is part of the company’s mission statement. “If you’re already working with your husband or your wife, it just kind of fosters that strategy,” she says.

Day says there are 1,165 married couples among Southwest’s 34,000 employees; in other words, 7% of the company’s workforce is married to someone else in the same workforce.

The only thing that’s not allowed is dating someone in your direct chain of command, Day says. But even if you do fall for the boss (or if you’re the boss being fallen for), that doesn’t mean you have to break off the relationship.

“You can always look for other job opportunities,” Day says. “Southwest always encourages people to look outside of their box. We hire for attitude and train for skill.”

Olen echoes that sentiment, calling a relationship with a boss or subordinate a “no-go zone.” Still, if one of you can change jobs, you have an even better shot at making it long-term; some 40% of relationships that start as boss and subordinate lead to marriage, according to Olen and Losee.

So how would the expert authors evaluate our young video production company friends?

Losee and Olen would say Andrews and Olson did it mostly right; they didn’t lie about their relationship, but didn’t exactly flaunt it, either.

“You meet this person at the office,” says Losee. “You don’t conduct your romance at the office.”

Their one mistake, according to Losee and Olen? Email. Even though they didn’t use company email, they used company computers, and, Andrews admits, exchanged emails containing “plans and things, and probably nice, sweet things. Nothing gross or anything. But if someone saw our emails they’d figure out we were dating.”

“The number one thing to avoid is email,” warns Losee. “Email, IM, texts belong to the company. This is a permanent, printable record. It’s forever.”

That didn’t hurt Andrews and Olson, since their relationship worked out. But when things go wrong . . .

“There are relationships that can go wrong quite spectacularly,” says Losee. And the last thing you want is a written record of that.

Usually, though, the 80% of office romances that don’t become permanent end amicably enough. “Most people do conduct themselves well,” says Olen. “When your ex is acting out in the office, it’s usually because they feel like their complaint hasn’t been heard.” A simple chat over coffee can usually smooth that kind of issue over; if not, one or the other will likely have to look for a transfer or other change in job situation.

Losee and Olen contend that office romance can actually be a positive influence; they say that in many cases a person’s productivity can jump as much as 20% when they’re involved with a coworker. “It’s Sunday night, and you’re looking forward to going to work,” says Losee. “You want to impress them. You want to do your best work.”

And what about that infamous “work wife” thing, in which one or both of the coworkers have relationships or even marriages outside the office?

Let’s leave it at this—Olen and Losee’s book has a chapter on the topic. It’s called, Don’t Go There.

Office Dating Do’s and Don’ts

DO let go and enjoy the possibility of relationships at work. These are the people with whom you share your days and with whom you have the most in common. Why shouldn’t you find love among them?

DON’T sneak around, hide your relationship or lie about it. As long as you know and follow the rules, you have nothing to hide. And hiding something that doesn’t need to be hidden just makes you look untrustworthy.

DO learn and follow your company’s policy regarding office relationships. Seek out the confidential advice of someone in your Human Resources department.

DON’T use email, IM, or text messages at work to communicate with your new beau. All of that belongs to the company, and creates a permanent record of your laundry, dirty or not.

DO take it slow. Dating someone you work with can be a lot better than dating someone else, but at least that someone else isn’t there every morning after you break up. Take care to strike up a romance only with someone you could still be friends with—or at least friendly with—if it doesn’t work out.

DON’T let a breakup with a coworker affect your work or his, or your relationships with any other colleagues. Talk it through outside the office and be as adult as possible, at least between 8 and 5.

DO remain open to changing departments or even changing jobs, if that’s what you need to do to foster a long-term romance with a superior or subordinate.

DON’T snog at work. No, your relationship isn’t a secret, but the rest of the office doesn’t need a constant reminder.